In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
