I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
