stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i've created a new STD.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
