There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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