dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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