When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
