i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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