i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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