Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
