Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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