He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
