He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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