I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The Olympian is in my bed
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
