Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
