i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
