we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
