I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I can't put those talents on a resume
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is her dick bigger than yours?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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