That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
