I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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