youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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