just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
