Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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