my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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