Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he thought i was a dude.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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