she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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