all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
