saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
