I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
