can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
