My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
