My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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