i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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