so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
