so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
