I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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