dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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