Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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