Plan B is the new Plan A
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
