WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
