Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
