you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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