We won't sleep together?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My feet surprised me
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