we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
