remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
