Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
