i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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