Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
