don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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