DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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