Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
