its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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