i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
